Meredith's Gone
by natzbadfairy
Summary: Merder all the way. Meredith dies and leaves Derek as a lifeless wreck who can't believe it. Please don't kill me. Rated for some of the issues raised. Please read and review.


**Please no one kill me. i had threats with my other fic like this. Warning now, Meredith dies in this. Please don't kill me :)**

**i am warning you now there is some serious issues in here and i am giving warning**

**please read and review. (please listen to the streets of philidelphia by bruce springstien.)**

Meredith could feel the car spinning out of control, the car slipping on the black ice. As the car hit the concrete wall, Meredith took a sharp breath in, the last breath she would take.

You stare blankly as Bailey lets words you never wanted to hear fall out her mouth. Meredith, car crash, so sorry, cutting her body out in a few hours once they move the accident to the side of the road. You feel the strength leaving your legs, your knees buckling and your body falling towards the floor. The bloods drained from your face, the tears falling silently down your face.

Bailey kneels in front of you but you flinch at her touch. Everyone stands around you, looking at the lifeless wreck you've become from a small two words. Meredith died. That's it and your entire world comes crashing down around you, no one able to change it or make it the way it was before.

Inside your screaming that you want to die with her, you want life to end so you can be with her but at the same time you feel nothing but emptiness. Christina's crying with Burke, Izzie with Alex, and George with Callie.

But your alone, Meredith's not with you and she never will be again. Some where inside you, the feeling of needing her close hits you like a ten ton wall. You run to the car, no one stopping you and no one coming with you. You drive to where it all ended, the most beautiful woman in the world left your life forever. The cars smashed on the driver's side and the front of the car is non existent. They all try and hold you back, the police, the fire department.

You scream her name, hoping she'll climb out the car and ask you what's wrong. Two men are hold you back as you fight against them, both of them saying about the area not being safe.

You get through; you fight for her one last time. Part of her body has been set free of the metal confines, allowing you to pull her free with your own hands. The army of police and fire officers stand back and watch as you cradle her in your arms, your hand brushing her hair away from her face.

She looks like she's sleeping, not a mark on her face. You see them come towards you, a young woman fire officer and a police officer, they're talking to you about a private ambulance here to take her but you can't let them, you can't let her go. They stand back, the crowd of people watching as your life falls away.

You turn at the sound of a familiar voice, and she starts walking towards you. You shake your head, she was the one you left, Meredith was the one you chose and now, now you've lost her after a year, a year of plans and proposals. You kiss her head gently, her skin soft, her hair like silk against your skin.

They ask you to lift her up onto a stretcher. It's the last time you'll see her but you can't look away, this can't be the end for you. Addison catches you as you fall to the ground, the sobs deafening everyone. She holds you and rocks you back and forward like a frightened child in the night. But nothing she does can stop the hurt you have, nothing will ever take that away, no matter how hard anyone tries, it will never go away.

Bailey calls you into the hospital, Meredith being in a room, her time of death being declared as she arrives, four hours after the accident. You ask her to try once for her, fight for her but both of you know it would do nothing but change the time of death.

She asks if you want to see her before she goes to the morgue. You shake your head, you can't say goodbye. You just can't. People come in and out of the house, but you see none of them.

You lie awake at night and you listen to the other residents crying, eventually falling asleep but you can't. You're frightened if you do you'll forget her, she'll be erased from your memory. Mark sits with you but he leaves after a few hours, unable to watch you lie motionless for hours on her side of the bed. No one asks about the funeral, Christina and Izzie arranging it all except for two things.

'What flowers?' you look up from the bed, Izzie covering her mouth as she see's your face, your gaunt white face which shows you've not eaten, moved, shaved, done anything but cry. She sits on the bed and hugs you.

And for the first time you hug her back and you can't let her go. She doesn't ask questions, she just holds you. She knows, she knows your broken past repair.

'Her favourites…lavender…you need to have lavender,'

'And?' You shake your head, you can't think of anything.

'Pink roses…she loved pink roses,' Christina looks at you with heavy, sympathetic eyes. You can't look her directly in the eyes. She hurts without you adding to it.

'Music…you need to pick music,'

'All her cd's are over there,' you point to a rack in the corner and Izzie brings back a pile of CD's. you go through them one by one, remembering the times she dance along to them, the look on her face when she tried to get you to dance with her and then when you finally did. The smile was a smile you would never forget.

'How many?' your voice is croaky and barely audible but no one cares.

'As many as you want,' you pick four, one being your song that meant you and her. It was your song with her.

'Ok. The car will be here at ten tomorrow,' you nod numbly, Izzie refusing to leave you, knowing you needed someone to stay with you. She just stares at you as you stare at Meredith's pillow at the way her hair came down at the side, covering her neck.

She brings you back to reality, the food sitting in front of you. People are watching you out the corner of their eyes as you sit at the kitchen table for the first time. You smile to yourself and realise that you're sitting where she used to sit. Izzie urges you to eat but you take your time, the feeling of people watching you makes you uneasy but at the same time comforted, that all these people are there if you need them.

'I need to talk to you,' you look up from the view of the garden to Izzie, the swing creaking gently as it goes back and forward.

'Her papers…everything is yours. She left it all to you. Including her mothers power of attorney,'

'Ok,' it doesn't hit you and you don't think it will until you go to her funeral.

It's a simple service, everything very straight cut, no frills, Meredith style. The place is filled with lavender and pink roses. One after the other the songs start playing. First comes the Goo Goo Dolls, Iris, the one song Meredith could sing while she brushed her teeth. Green Day, Time of your life.

The tears are flowing and they just don't stop. You hear burke grab Christina as she turns and sobs into him. Izzie steps out from beside Alex and stands beside you. She takes hold of your hand and gently squeezes it. It's not Meredith but someone who does understand. Then you and Meredith's song starts playing and you fall to your knees.

Izzie comes down beside you, holding you. I don't want to miss a thing, Aerosmith remind you of the times you had together and the times you could have had. The service ends and you pull yourself to your feet. Your sisters go to stop you walking forward but Izzie knows you need to do this and that somewhere inside you will find the strength you need.

The final song plays and people know this is, the final journey she'll make. Fields of gold gently plays as you line up and wait to be part of it .You, Mark, George, Alex, Chief and Burke walk forward to the white coffin. She's placed on your shoulder and you swear that you can fell the weight of her on your shoulders for the rest of your life. Marks supporting you but you keep walking.

You look no one in the eyes and ignore the sobs people let out as you walk by with Meredith on your shoulder. You stand alone, Izzie finally giving in and going back to Alex. Mark goes to stand beside you when you feel her behind you. Turning, you swear she's there, she's beside you. Mark squeezes your shoulder tightly. Facing her grave, she's placed in gently.

You hand is heavy, the soil falling like the rain on top of her coffin. People you've never met before shake you hand and offer you their condolences but they mean nothing. Meredith is gone and there's nothing you can do about it.

Within two weeks your back at work and people are smiling at you like you're the only person in the world who's lost some one. You grin and bear it, hoping it will go away. You last an hour before it hits you like the day she died. The chief finds you in the empty, darkened locker room. You're in a heap in the corner, the tears in your eyes spilling over freely. He doesn't know what to say. All you can do is cry and hope for a miracle.

You are given a month's compassionate leave, a month to sit in her house and remember her. You get by; barely managing to keep you head above the water that is life. You feel nothing for weeks when you first think of it, the first thought you have of getting out of this, taking the cowards option.

But now, any option sounds good, cowardly or not. You don't feel the blade at first, then the pain comes in waves. You feel human again. But you're still alone. It's the only way you make it through a day without giving yourself a lethal dose of something, anything. You always have a picture of her with you, even when you're operating. She's in your scrub pocket all the time, your wallet full of them.

Joe hasn't seen you in months and the first time you go in, he nods his head gently. You sit at the end of the bar, the glass in one hand, your phone in the other. You flick through your text messages, most of them from her. she ends everyone with a M. you smile and for the first time you remember the good times you had instead of the fact she wasn't there. But as soon as the happiness comes and goes, the crying starts and you can't stop.

Your head hits the bar, Joe closing the bar for the first time in years. He sits next to you and gives you all the scotch you can handle. He knows it's not the answer but that it is a temporary solution, just for tonight. He see's you're arm and asks you what the hell is happening.

You just shrug your shoulders and go to leave the bar, hoping that if you get in the car, you'll go just like her, painless. He grabs your arm and sits you down. Marks at the bar in minutes and picks you up, thanking Joe on the way out. He says nothing but looks at you sympathetically.

That's all anybody does anymore. Looks at you sympathetically. No one looks at you the way they used to. No one can. People are putting their lives back together but she was your life, she was the one thing you lived for.

Addison is the first to notice your arm after the night at Joes. She looks like you've just broken her too but you don't care, you can't care. She feels nothing compared to the heartache that you'll endure. Before you can even ask her to say nothing, everyone knows. Again the sympathetic looks come freely when you snap, you can't take it any more.

You don't want sympathy or pity. You want Meredith back. You want to hold her and kiss her the way you used to. Feel her lying next to you in bed. You want to watch her sleep. You want to spend the rest of your life with her. You storm out the house, Burke being the first to follow you out but you leave no clue as to where you're going or what you're doing. You stand at the stone, the rain battering down against you but you don't flinch, you let it soak you. The grass had covered over the mound, the three months since she died feeling like an eternity.

'I need you,' your voice is broken, destroyed even. You sit with her, saying nothing for hours.

The sun is setting, the rain stopped. You stand and run your fingers over the letters. You still feel it as you sit on the end of the bed that night, rubbing your hands together. Her closet door is slightly open. You step inside and run your hands through her clothes, her Dartmouth top lying in a heap in the corner. Picking it up, you inhale her scent off it one last time.

Folding it up and placing it back, you lock the closet behind you as you leave and you realise that life goes on, or in your case, life can start again. The next morning you go to the hospital, everyone glad to have you back. Izzie see's you and hugs you, something you needed.

'You need to get back,'

'I need to get back,' the first patient you see is a young guy, early twenty's. He fell for a wall, cracked his head open. He talks to you and you listen, his girl friend coming in and standing next to him. She kisses his head gently as they're told he's fine.

You wish it was you but then again, you always will. Izzie asks you if you've emptied Meredith's stuff out. You can't and you tell her you won't. Not one bit of her stuff will leave. She nods understandingly.

Slowly you manage to sleep, first time for a couple of hours, then the full nights of sleep come back to you but every time you notice the empty side of the bed, her empty side. You lean across in the middle of the night when you wake up, the nightmare continuing into real life.

The cutting never stops, no one trying to stop you, all of them knowing that it's what's keeping you going, giving you the strength to carry on after Meredith. You have pictures of her all over the house, in the kitchen she's on the fridge, the living room on the walls and the mantle piece. Your bedroom is filled with them, with her.

Her scent is still there, her closet still locked. Occasionally you go in, smell her clothes and feel the softness of them. All the little habits she had, you now have, the turning of the plants, the way she would always pile the newspapers up in a corner before she'd throw them out, the fact she made the bed every morning. You do it all in her place, keeping part of you alive.

You know now that your life will be spent in the house, the other residents around you. You made arrangements like Meredith had so that if anything happened, life would go on. That was what she had wanted for you when she left. She wanted you to go with life and live.

But you just couldn't see it and even now it's not so clear but you know that that was what she wanted you to do and that for her sake you have to.

**Please review :)**


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